i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
