you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
