am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
