I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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