Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
