I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize