hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
my poor anus
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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