My first STD was from a foam party
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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