drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
