it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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