Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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