I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Randomize
