I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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