Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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