there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
