so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
