I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
