i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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