his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
