My liver just broke up with me...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I pour the whiskey from now on
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize