Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize