Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
