I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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