I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
