I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
