I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
