I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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