LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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