She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
