Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
