i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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