i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
