I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
