So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
