I want to walk on stilts...naked
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
