I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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