did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
