C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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