Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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