seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
