Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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