I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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