Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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