I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
