I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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