Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize