I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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