alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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