I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
