I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
