In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
