just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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