Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
