i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize