Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
