3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
