That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
