And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
