My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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