I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
