the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize