I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
