you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Randomize
